Don't Take it Personally
I left a voicemail for someone I love a while ago and didn’t hear back from him. I sent a text and got no reply either. I thought, “Next time he calls me, maybe I won’t answer so he can see how it feels.”
I found out that he and his wife and daughter had all come down with COVID. Several days later, we talked and I found out there were other issues as well. I was reminded that we never fully understand what is happening in other people’s lives, or their motives. We make assumptions and judgements which can be way off.
I get mixed responses when I leave messages for people. Most call or text me back, but there are some who never respond. I get disappointed when I don’t get a response, especially when I love the person I’m trying to connect with.
To help process my frustration and practice forgiveness, I think about the reasons I have not responded to those who reach out to me. I have five email accounts, but only two I use on a regular basis. I use the other accounts when I need to sign up or log in to sites which may not keep my email private. If I get a message on one of those accounts, I may never see it.
I reply to most email quickly, but serious inquiries require longer responses, so I may put an important message off until later. The next day brings a new set of challenges and I may forget to respond to the heartfelt message from the day before.
The same thing happens with voicemail. I have voicemail at our home, my office and on my cell. If a voicemail is left on a day when I have many appointments, or a crisis, I may never listen to it.
I also get messages on WhatsApp, Instagram, Messenger, Facebook, LinkedIn, and our MarkBuckleyMinistries.com web site. I’m not diligent about checking those connection points.
So, I try to give people grace when I leave a message and never hear back from them. That said, the younger generation is less likely to respond to messages unless you happen to reach out to them on their preferred communication platform. A voicemail is not their preferred platform.
When I advise pastors, I tell them the older generation expects a timely response when they leave a message. To ignore their message is poor customer service. Even through members of their congregations are not customers, they should be treated better than a good business treats its customers. After all, don’t they support your ministry and aren’t we supposed to love one another?
In 1969, I invited a couple over for dinner with me and my roommate. I fixed a special meal and had it all ready to eat at 6:00 PM. I was really hungry after a long day. When they didn’t show up by 6:30, I figured they forgot about my invitation, so my roommate and I sat down at the kitchen table and ate the whole meal.
By 7:00 PM, we were just kicking back when there was a knock on our door. I opened the door and saw the couple standing there with flowers. “What happened to you guys? I expected you at 6:00?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” The lady asked, “You told us to come for dinner at 7:00, don’t you remember?”
I invited them in. We made room at the kitchen table and put their flowers on it. As I carried our dirty dishes into the sink, I realized it was my mistake. Now the food was all gone and the kitchen was a mess. Because it was 1969 and I smoked many things, I forget how the evening ended up. But I never forgot the feeling of letting my friends down.
I have done pastoral counseling for the past fifty years. There have a few times over the years that I have been home and received a call from our office that an appointment had arrived and was waiting for me. I would scramble to get dressed, jump in my car and dash to our office. After profusely apologizing for being late, I would promise myself to never do that again.
There was a gifted young worship leader on our church staff who made an appointment with me a few years ago which I completely forgot. She left the office after I never showed up and politely informed me afterwards. I usually put appointments in my phone calendar, but I had not set an alert to remind me.
After I apologized, we rescheduled for the following week. This time, we asked Faith Cummings, our woman’s pastor, to join us as well. When the day came, I forgot our appointment again. When I didn’t show up, they called to find out where I was. I couldn’t believe it. I went from forgetting an appointment once every several years, to forgetting twice in a row with the same person.
I asked for forgiveness when I showed up late, but their conversation was over by then. I honestly said I was very sorry. I was also embarrassed because my actions said, “You don’t matter to me”, which was not true.
Rejection is sometimes real. There are some people who don’t want us involved in their lives. We all have some relationships we would not have chosen and others we wish we were closer. Whether you are a parent, a businessman, a mentor or a friend, you can’t always pick and chose those who will be close to you. Not everyone wants to share their life with us. If people can chose to pursue, or reject a relationship with our loving God, we should expect some folks will keep us at a distance as well.
There is also an evil one who wants to divide us from one another. Satan wants us to take actions or hold resentments which will create walls of hostility and destroy our relationships. The scripture says, “Anyone you forgive, I also forgive…in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes” (II Cor. 2:10-11).
Every friend and family member will disappoint us. We let each other down because we all fall short in our relationships. At times we feel like others don’t care for us. We get offended and pull away from them to protect our hearts from more disappointment. However, those feelings may be an overreaction.
Since we all offend each other at times, if we act on those feelings we distance ourselves from those who are important in our lives. Practicing love and forgiveness is essential for a servant of Christ. Love and forgiveness are the mortar mix between the building blocks for our families and the house of God.
Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). Jesus was the one who initiated relationships. He is the one who reached out first and often. He is the one who loved his disciples by serving, encouraging and forgiving them. He told us to do the same with one another. He said, “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:11).